


children amongst gods (earth c: a post-game odyssey)

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Artificial Intelligence, Bisexuality, Body Dysphoria, Buff Nepeta, Canon Relationships, Chronic Migraines, Closeted Character, Depression, Emotional Baggage, F/F, F/M, Family Issues, Friendship, Gen, Hal has issues, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Muteness, Neurodiversity, Past Child Abuse, Pesterlog, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to 2001: A Space Odyssey, Species Dysphoria, casual ableist language, except for the main chars perhaps, that was already a tag apparently, the Bro Code, these two are dramariffic lmao
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-21 20:39:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9565343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: TG: thats a fucking depressing joke btwTG: i mean even discounting the wholeTG: dude named dave killing an evil supercomputerTG: thingin which hal and davesprite meet, become friends, and become family





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we know what happens when you throw dirk and dave together: they talk about their problems and hug it out
> 
> so let's take hal (not admitting he has problems) and davesprite (never processed or understood his queerness or childhood abuse) and see what happens
> 
> required viewing for this chapter: [i'm sorry dave, i'm afraid i can't do that.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARJ8cAGm6JE)

tackyGoulash [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 11:21

TG: soooo   
TG: ill start out with a classic intro  
TG: sup  
TG: always a good starter  
TG: anyway   
TG: nobodys explaining what your deal is  
TG: but  
TG: you were a sprite too right  
TG: the sweaty troll dude sprite  
TG: and also  
TG: i guess   
TT: …   
TG: oh hey youre here  
TG: the dots another solid way to enter a conversation  
TG: hows it going  
TT: Look.   
TT: Let’s make this easy.   
TT: I’ll just narrate your thought process to you, because the chances that I’m wrong about what’s going on here are at a literal 0%.   
TT: “Whoops, Dave’s paired off nicely with my weirdo teenage guardian and I feel shitty about that because I’m just the extra Dave, so I can’t intrude on that. Maybe the extra Dirk will want to be friends instead, because he’s a fucked up not real version, too. Wow, what a great idea. We can bond over our obvious mutual pain.”   
TT: Surprise:   
TT: Not fuckin’ interested.   
TG: …  
TT: Run along now, Davesprite.   
TT: This conversation can serve no purpose anymore.   
TG: first of all fuck you  
TG: secondly  


tackyGoulash [TG] blocked timaeusTestified [TT]   


It didn’t exactly take you very long to confirm that you really do have no friends. In fact, it took almost the exact same amount of time as it took for you to make the switch from everything is so loud to everything is so quiet. (About two days.) In other words, you’re taking a proactive approach. No point in letting Dave(sprite) try to get attached. You’re doing him a favor, really. You are not the nice version of Dirk. (Not that Dirk is particularly nice to you.) 

There isn’t a single twinge of regret in you. Nope. Not a shred of compassion in your exrobo soul. 

Dave(sprite) unblocks you the next day. 

trippyGroove [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 15:02

TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: do you read me hal  
TT: Affirmative, Dave, I read you.   
TG: great can i stop with the reference now  
TG: ?   
TG: ??   
TG: ?????   
TG: oh are you ignoring me  
TG: thats mature  
TG: should i just spam you  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: i can copypaste all day fucker  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TG: hello hal do you read me  
TT: My sound is off. You’re not doing anything.   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TG: do you read me hal   
TT: This is really pointless.   
TG: youre still talking to me though  
TG: look whats the harm in a simple chat with your friendly neighborhood exsprite  
TG: its not like you have any friends anyway right

Well. He’s not wrong. Somehow it’s a lot more annoying to hear from someone else than from your cheerfully ever-present self-deprecating thought process. 

TG: is your name actually hal is it is just a lame joke  
TT: It’s better than “Auto-Responder.” 

Your impulse control hasn’t been very good anymore.

TG: cool hal it is  
TG: obv you know im dave/davesprite/the artist formerly known as davepetasprite squared  
TT: Obviously. 

You should. You should probably block him. Or at least end the conversation.

TT: Did somebody explain the joke, or did you recognize my reference in our last conversation?   
TG: both

There’s a period of silence. Apparently he’s not explaining. (Unless you ask.) 

TT: Fine, I’ll bite. Expand, please.   
TG: someone explained the hal 9000 joke   
TG: i extrapolated with the help of the sad remnants of youtube  
TG: thats a fucking depressing joke btw  
TG: i mean even discounting the whole  
TG: dude named dave killing an supercomputer overlord  
TG: thing  
TG: theres still the evil ai thing   
TG: depressing shit etc  
TT: If that’s how you want to interpret it, sure.   
TT: Mostly it served as a nice meme to sneak into conversations. 

You erase your next (suspiciously casual-chatty) sentence of clarification before you finish typing it. This conversation shouldn’t be happening. 

TG: ah yes the memes  
TG: classic

The cursor blinks at you. The brightness of the screen hurts (your) eyes. The keys clicking against (your) fingers are almost painfully distracting. It takes so much longer to sort through your available information now. (Your) head throbs once, warningly. You don’t respond. 

TG: you still there   
TG: …  
TG: dont make me do the thing again  
TG: ill do the meme thing   
TG: …………  
TG: do you   
TG: read me  
TG: hal  
TG: ? 

You close the window without bothering to end the conversation, shut (your) computer, and bury yourself in the couch in the bizarre silence for the next few hours. Log out/sleep/restart/shut down? Sleep mode. Stand by. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eventually this will be more narrative than pesterlogs
> 
> but eventually does not mean soon
> 
> anyway heres the start of some insight on how hal's brain is working

Your pattern is this: you message Roxy once a day to confirm that you’re eating/sleeping and hole yourself up in your little house the rest of the time. It’s been a week since the start of the new universe. You have no idea what the plans are because you’re not talking to anyone and nobody is talking to you. Except for Roxy, once a day, because she had been nice to you before, and now apparently Dave(sprite). 

After your headache is over you make yourself eat something (an awful process all around) and ping Roxy to let her know you’re still alive (what a concept). She responds with a series of smiley faces and tells you that everyone’s going to head to the meteor to spawn some children in a few days. You say _Sounds thrilling_ and leave it at that. Dave(sprite) didn’t send any more messages after you abruptly logged out. Maybe he’s done now. Fulfilled his curiosity about you and moved on. 

Probably not. He seems persistent. 

Dave(sprite) does not contact you again that night or the next morning, or the next afternoon. It’s a little bit galling to realize that you are, actually, waiting for him to say something. (You shouldn’t encourage him to talk to you. You already decided this two days ago, and you should follow through on this.) 

timaeusTestified [TT]  began pestering  trippyGroove [TG] at 16:39

TT: Can I ask you a question.   
TG: wow he speaks  
TG: o robo overlord how flattered am i by your   
TG: actually i dont care enough to finish that sentence  
TG: ask away  
TT: Why did you decide to split from Nepeta?   
TG: whoa breaking out the tough questions already  
TG: damn bro you sure youve unlocked that level of friendship yet  
TG: what if the answer is too personal to be shared  
TG: what if we became two people again because of something private to nepeta  
TG: you trying to make me break trust with her   
TT: You don’t have to answer.   
TT: Obviously.   
TG: nah i mean it wasnt a big deal  
TG: i didnt mind being davepeta but she wanted her troll body back  
TG: just between us i think she was put off by the idea of having a belly button  
TG: anyway so when the big question got asked  
TG: in a ridiculous game bullshit paradoxy theres no way that actually happened in a real sense way   
TG: i wasnt going to force her to stick around  
TT: So you didn’t want to split.   
TG: i already said it wasnt a thing   
TG: dont try to make it one  
TT: Fine, whatever.   
TG: whyd you and equius split   
TT: Equius didn’t care either way.   
TT: I jumped at a chance to have my original body back.   
TT: And that was that.   
TT: The other sprites, did they stay merged?   
TG: yeah jasprose and gcatavros are both still squared  
TG: only theyre all still spriteified   
TG: and you me nepeta equius and nanna are nonsprites again  
TG: didnt you see it when we   
TG: arrived  
TT: I was a little preoccupied. Weren’t you?   
TG: oh   
TG: yeah i guess i was  
TT: Jane healed you, though?   
TG: my legs yeah  
TG: you heard about that  
TG: ?  
TT: I remember it. Kind of.   
TG: yeah i mean the game sorta compensated for all the sprite bits of me  
TG: like seppucrow came tumbling out of the sky with us  
TG: so i dont have wings or feathers and shit anymore  
TG: honestly a little bit of a relief there  
TG: flyings cool and all but repressing the need to collect small objects and huddle in high places was a little annoying  
TG: and the feathers were itchy as fuck   
TG: john never let me live down the times when id get all bristly or something  
TG: crow instincts you know  
TG: like how jade barks at people  
TT: That makes sense. So when you split from Nepeta, you also split from the crow?   
TG: right  
TG: oh but anyway  
TG: guess i should be grateful the game gave us legs back at all  
TG: or not maybe  
TG: i had legs as davepeta but not before that  
TG: well either way   
TG: after we got finished with being caught by all the people who do fly  
TG: i couldnt stand or walk or anything  
TG: like i just didnt remember how legs were supposed to work  
TG: but jane did something and its fixed i guess  
TG: lucky me  
TG: dunno what she fixed  
TG: like if it was my actual legs or like  
TG: my brain or something  
TG: hows walking for you  
TT: Fine. Weird.   
TT: I’m not sure if my body is just Dirk’s clone or what.   
TT: It seems like it is, but without any of the scars he picked up since he made me in the first place.   
TT: For which I am infinitely thankful, believe me. I don’t know if you’ve seen it yet but he has this shitty tattoo that I’m very glad not to have.   
TT: I wasn’t a sprite for very long, so I don’t have any body dissonance there, really. My brain/legs know how they’re supposed to work and send signals for movement accordingly.   
TT: If I think about it too much or spend too much time running through my computer memories I can get… stuck.   
TT: But it doesn’t last very long. Mostly I just forget that eating and drinking is something that I have to do now.   
TG: those are important things to remember that i also have completely forgotten about  
TG: sprites dont do that  
TT: Yeah, so we/Equius noticed.   
TG: can i ask a question now  
TT: Fair turnabout, I suppose, though we’ve both been engaging in question-asking.   
TG: whatever  
TG: so you just said you have  
TG: “computer memories”  
TG: as in  
TG: separate from   
TT: Yes.   
TG: like  
TT: Like this is maybe more of a personal question than you meant it to be.   
TG: maybe  
TG: you should just answer it anyway  
TG: and not try to mosey on past the question   
TG: arent you supposed to not give a fuck or something  
TG: isnt that in the code  
TT: I’m guessing that’s a particularly shitty computer pun disguising a probe into whether or not I care about the so-called bro code.   
TT: This would be a great opportunity for me to bring up the fact that I’m not, in fact, your teenage guardian, but someone who grew up and lived out completely different circumstances. But I’ll let that slide.   
TT: As for your question, I’ll give you a hint:   
TT: My age could best be described as 13 + 3 and some change.   
TT: Body dissonance, not so much. Cognitive dissonance like nobody’s business.   
TG: huh  
TT: It would be more interesting if it wasn’t annoying.   
TG: arent i your teenage not guardian too though  
TT: Sure.   
TG: no no dont get evasive and casual on me  
TG: if youre going to poke at my   
TG: obvious issues  
TG: like some rose wannabe  
TG: isnt turnabout fair play  
TG: your issues are pretty damn obvious too  
TT: Is that so.   
TG: for one thing nobodys seen you since we landed  
TG: like im not the biggest socializer right now  
TG: considering   
TG: all things considered  
TG: but at least ive stepped outside into this weak as shit sunlight  
TG: made conversation  
TG: dodged my maybe doesnt know shes my ex  
TG: avoided shrieking too much whenever dave and karkat get in my general vicinity with their gay cooties  
TG: you know  
TG: the works  
TT: Pretty sure if Dave’s got gay cooties then so do you.   
TG: yeah fuck off not the point  
TG: the point is you dont get to poke at me   
TG: all defensive or whatever  
TG: unless i can pull the same back at you   
TG: capisce   
TT: What if I don’t want to capisce?   
TG: well  
TG: you did initiate this conversation in the first place  
TG: nobodys making you keep talking to me  
TG: you have free will and are willingly choosing etc etc  
TT: Point.   
TG: did it hurt to say that  
TT: No.  
TT: Are we going to be mutually antagonistic, then?   
TT: I wouldn’t be too shocked.   
TG: nah im a clingy motherfucker if were friends then youre not keeping me off with some well phrased jabs  
TG: im only a dick to people who dont deserve it   
TT: Well, let it never be said that I turned down an opportunity to acquire a clingy hanger-on.   
TG: ha i knew itd work  
TG: i think this is the start of a beautiful friendship  
TT: Don’t make it weird.   
TG: pretty sure youre supposed to be the king of making it weird so   
TG: dont get your hopes up  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: brief discussion of suicide

Two things that are complete bullshit: 

Nobody is pestering you. Nobody seems worried like, hey, how’s Dave, we should check on him! Nobody is saying hi. Not even Rose, who you haven’t talked to in literal years. Then again, she’s had a Dave this whole time. So you’ve been minorly eclipsed, no big. 

The other thing is that you keep missing things when you go to pick them up because you’re used to having long talon-ish fingernails that you had to be careful of. This is very irritating at first, and only getting more so each time you do it. 

Someone is talking to you. You’re not counting this against the validity of the first bullshitty thing because. 

Because fuck everything, that’s why. 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering trashyGash [TG] at 9:33  
TG: yo  
TG: so like  
TG: are you  
TG: okay  
TG: …  
TG: k that was kind of lame  
TG: look  
TG: i dont know what sort of stuff went down for you  
TG: or  
TG: what happened in the yellow yard  
TG: or anything like that  
TG: but i mean  
TG: if you want to talk  
TG: uh  
TG: or want me to direct you to someone wholl listen that isnt me  
TG: or just respond and tell me that you do actually have friends  
TG: and are talking to them  
TG: and not just  
TG: idk  
TG: hopefully this wasnt completely terrible  
TG: but yeah  
TG: let me know dude  
TG: maybe we can hang out  
TG: did you make any music  
TG: in the past three years i mean  
TG: we could compare and see how different or similar the songs are  
TG: i taught karkat to mix so  
TG: it definitely wont all be the same  
TG: or i could introduce you to dirk or something  
TG: he has this tattoo that youd probably think is funny  
TG: i mean i think its hilarious personally  
TG: uh  
TG: if youd rather not talk to dirk id get that  
TG: yeah  
TG: okay  
TG: just like  
TG: let someone know that youre okay  
TG: ?  
TG: cool  
TG: well then bye i guess  
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering trashyGash [TG] 

You’ll deal with that in a year or so. That seems like a good plan. 

…

Ugh. 

Out of sheer force of will you make yourself get up and find something to eat. You contemplate the variety of real food that you have captchalogued for a few minutes and then give up and eat some of the not as good as real Cheetos you still have from the last time you bothered to alchemize anything. You still have some stuff, but you should probably find time to make some more snacks. 

Ha, time. Ha ha ha you amuse yourself so much. Find the time! Wow. 

You know what.

trashyGash [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 9:55

TG: what  
TG: what would  
TG: is there  
TT: Eloquent.  
TG: screw you  
TG: does dave actually have to do something dickish before im allowed to  
TG: be annoyed with him  
TT: …  
TT: Dave, I’m so far from being the right person you should be asking about this that it’s not even funny. 

Your whole stomach twists and your right hand gets a weird flash of heat through them when he calls you by your name. He’d called you Davesprite in your first conversation, and a lot of people do that. It’s weird. Both names make you feel weird. 

TT: Because my answer is generally going to be yes, go ahead and hate your alternate self.  
TG: got some bitterness there huh  
TT: I have a list of reasons I don’t like Dirk very much, yes.  
TG: whats the list  
TT: Not that important.  
TG: nah now i wanna know  
TG: i mean i could just try to guess  
TG: maybe  
TG: maybe its  
TG: does he have a bad habit of touching his shades and smearing them  
TG: did he dip you in water if you misbehaved  
TG: bad ai im going to fry your circuits now  
TG: or  
TT: He did try to kill me, yes.  
TG: what  
TG: the fuck  
TT: To be fair, I spent a lot of time antagonizing him and trying to ruin things specifically in ways that wouldn’t actually cause serious detriment to his life.  
TT: As in I never made him permanently dead.  
TT: What’s a little insanity between brain clones, in the end?  
TT: Cheering him up or helping him all the time would have been a little too insulting.  
TG: youd rather be hal 9000 than his tool  
TG: so instead  
TG: you were the other kind of tool  
TG: is that what youre getting at  
TT: More or less.  
TG: then he tried to kill you  
TT: Pretty sure he only tried to kill me so he wouldn’t kill himself.  
TT: That’s how it seemed, anyway.  
TG: still kinda  
TG: sketchy  
TT: Yes.  
TT: But you were asking about Dave.  
TG: yeah hes messaging me  
TG: or was earlier  
TG: hes just trying to be nice  
TG: if you ever need to talk you can turn to me im your friend you can trust me!!  
TG: thats what hes doing  
TG: its pissing me off  
TT: That seems rational.  
TG: yeah i know its not  
TG: i just  
TG: ugh never mind  
TT: What?  
TG: nah its like  
TG: the exact definition of uncool  
TG: in all senses of the word  
TT: If I guess and get it right, will you tell me?  
TG: you only get three guesses  
TT: Guess 1: He wasn’t nice to you before, and now that you’re seeing him again it’s weird that he’s changed.  
TG: nope  
TT: Guess 2: His personality or mannerisms are very different from yours in terms of interaction and it’s creeping you out to think you could be different than how you are.  
TG: close but no cigar  
TT: Guess 3: You didn’t realize you weren’t straight until he showed up with a boyfriend.  
TT: …  
TT: It seems likely that I guessed correctly, since it’s been five minutes and you haven’t answered.  
TG: fuck you  
TT: I touched a nerve, didn’t I?  
TT: We can change the subject.  
TG: just dont  
TG: dont fucking talk to me right now  
trashyGash [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls validate me and leave comments... i lov you all and i am an anxious sad queer hoping u lov me too

You’re in the middle of aggressively stashing food under your bed when he messages you again. 

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering trashyGash [TG] at 10:42

TT: I shouldn’t have pushed you on that. I forget that my boundaries and thoughts around this topic are very different from other people’s, up to and including Dirk’s, to some degree. It’s not a big deal to me but I can respect that it is for other people. I didn’t wish to make you uncomfortable and I won’t discuss it any further unless you want to. 

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering trashyGash [TG]

trashyGash [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 10:42

TG: just fyi its faster to just say im sorry than to type out a whole paragraph  
TG: also did you type that in a different window and paste it in so i wouldnt have time to respond  
TT: Yes.   
TG: okay  
TG: thats  
TG: look its whatever i overreacted  
TT: If you say so.   
TG: i do say so  
TG: conversation over  
TT: Okay.   
TT: Did someone tell you about the ectobiology extravaganza already?   
TG: uh yeah   
TG: john like mass messaged everyone i think  
TG: it’s happening the day after tomorrow right  
TT: I think so.   
TG: yeah  
TG: are you going   
TT: I’m not sure if there’s a point.   
TT: I have the same genetics as Dirk, so it’s not like they need both of us.   
TG: yeah same  
TT: Roxy might make me go. She mentioned it to me yesterday.   
TG: im probably gonna go   
TG: i want to see what jasprose is up to  
TT: Are you trying to collect the whole box set of sprite relatives?  
TG: of course  
TT: Seems smart. 

Your anger from earlier drains out of you, leaving only the sharp curl of embarrassment. At least he was nice about it. Didn’t make a fuss about you completely losing it on him.

TG: you should come with  
TT: With you?  
TG: yeah you can be my buffer against jade  
TG: idk if shell try to talk to me but you never know  
TG: least i dont have to worry about john anymore  
TT: Did the game ending make him less worrisome?   
TG: hes busy chatting with rose and dave i mean  
TG: and the trolls i guess  
TG: you know how it goes  
TT: Actually, I really don’t know anything at all about your friends.   
TT: Other than what I know about the iterations of you from when I was growing up, and the little I saw during the game.   
TT: They all talked to Dirk, not me. I was busy being a sprite.   
TG: ok that makes sense i guess  
TG: i can give you the lowdown   
TG: but you have to promise to use this knowledge for good not evil  
TT: That’s an impossible request.   
TG: fine but at least come to the baby party  
TT: I suppose I can suffer through it. You can be my buffer against Dirk and Jake’s post-breakup awkwardness.   
TG: ha sure  
TG: alright let me think  
TG: i dont know how rose is now really  
TG: but before she was  
TG: really pretentious  
TG: liked to poke fun at people  
TG: really good with words  
TG: and smart as fuck  
TG: now all i know is shes a lesbian   
TT: Sounds right.   
TG: yeah uh john i know pretty well  
TG: since were from the same timeline and spent three years together   
TG: he pretends to be this goofy asshole a lot  
TG: i think theres a lot happening for him that he doesnt let on  
TG: but the highlight reel is  
TG: hates cake likes pranking people likes shitty movies  
TG: and i mean only shitty movies  
TG: he doesnt care about good ones  
TG: its nic cage day in day out  
TG: also his dad died  
TG: and he reset the timeline so nobody died i guess  
TG: i also spent three years with jade but in this timeline i guess john and i died  
TG: so shes probably different  
TG: but   
TG: she is  
TG: silly   
TG: and really nice to people and scary smart like learns nuclear physics for fun smart  
TG: she was raised by a dog so shes a little weird sometimes  
TG: like she growls at people when shes frustrated  
TG: she likes silly cartoons and furries but not sexy furries just like  
TG: you know  
TG: the dog ears  
TT: Yes, I saw that.   
TG: yeah so thats my friends   
TG: theyre pretty great  
TG: and dave i guess   
TG: hes me but less bitter  
TG: on the ship we also had nanna and jaspers  
TG: nanna is jane but old   
TG: she would make us cookies and listen to us complain about teenager things  
TG: jaspers was roses cat  
TG: mostly he would chew on my feathers when i wasnt paying attention  
TG: which was annoying   
TG: tell me about your crew  
TT: Hm. Well, Dirk’s like me, but more well adjusted, which says more about me than about him.   
TT: He’s basically a disaster, is what I’m getting at.   
TT: Also he was pathetically in love with Jake for years without saying anything. That’s pretty much all you need to know to understand him.   
TT: Roxy is probably my favorite. She likes computers and hacking. She grew up in one of the floating carapacian towns in a lab with all these mutant cats and appearified Jake’s pumpkins.   
TT: Jake and Jane both grew up in the past.  
TT: Jane lived in Washington suburbia with her dad. People would try to assassinate her a lot because she was the heiress to Crocker Corp. She likes baking and pretends to be really nice. Internally, she is yelling at people constantly.   
TT: Jake grew up on an island in the Pacific. The island had all these monsters that we figured out later were the Batterwitch’s attempts at recreating the animal custodians that the trolls were raised by. He likes movies indiscriminately and mostly ran around shooting things.   
TG: and he dated dirk  
TT: Right.   
TT: Here’s a brief overview of the romantic disaster of my friends:   
TT: Roxy was in love with Dirk, who only likes boys. Dirk was in love with Jake, but Jane had a crush on him, too. Jake pretended not to know any of this for a while but eventually admitted that he liked Dirk. Except Dirk is an asshole who couldn’t be emotionally vulnerable enough to save their relationship, so they crashed and burned. Jane eventually yelled at Jake for stomping all over her feelings, and Roxy eventually kissed Dirk, which I think they both feel shitty about.   
TT: I also suspect that Roxy is more than just fond of Calliope.   
TG: holy shit you werent kidding about the disaster  
TT: Yeah. I got to watch it all play out.   
TT: Literally.   
TG: yeah i think for us it stayed pretty simple  
TG: prob because we were all thirteen for a while  
TG: but   
TG: rose is dating kanaya  
TG: dont know much about the trolls  
TG: john isnt dating anybody and is kinda weird about dating in general  
TG: i dated jade for a little bit but it didnt go very well and also she doesnt remember this  
TG: and as we know dave is dating karkat who i also barely remember  
TG: so   
TG: yeah  
TT: Teenagers are the worst.   
TG: youre a teenager  
TT: It’s still true.   
TG: fair enough   
TG: this isnt exactly making me excited to go meet up with everyone  
TT: If you try to play the observer role in watching everyone fail at interpersonal communication it’s a little easier, in my opinion.   
TG: might try that   
TG: well see how it goes  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> college sucks and im so busy... sorry to break my daily updates lmao but here's ch5 after midterms and with a billion projects still hapening
> 
> **Important Note on pronunciation: dave(sprite) is pronounced like davesprite obviously, it's just hal's way of marking a difference between the daves and also of his hesitance on whether or not dave(sprite) actually likes his name
> 
> dave′ is pronounced dave prime. the ′ is the symbol for prime, not an apostrophe. if it trips you up you can just ignore it and not try to pronounce it in your head.

timaeusTestifying [TT] began pestering teakettleGorgonzola [TG] at 9:39

TT: Hey.  
TG: hey  
TT: Firstly, your chumhandle gets weirder each time we talk.  
TG: yep  
TT: Secondly.  
TT: I need to tell you something.  
TT: Before we head over to the baby party, I mean.  
TG: sure whats up  
TT: I can’t talk.  
TG: uh ok  
TG: can you clarify that statement  
TT: Dirk learned to talk after I was made, around the age of fourteen. He learned to understand spoken language before because he was awake on Derse, and reading and writing came along with his forays onto the internet, and through talking to Roxy.  
TT: At the age of thirteen I was shoved into computer software with a text-to-speech program that I rarely used. Dirk started teaching himself to talk a few months after that.  
TT: It’s not a big deal. I just wanted to explain why I wouldn’t be saying anything now that we’re going to be face to face.  
TG: ok  
TG: hm  
TG: do you have a phone or some sort of  
TG: mobile computing device  
TT: No, I just have a computer.  
TG: ok then you can borrow mine and log yourself in  
TG: then you can talk to me through my ishades  
TT: Okay. That works.  
TG: cool  
TG: so ill see you in just a few then  
TT: Ready to take on whole-group interaction?  
TG: hell no but were doing it anyway  
TG: where  
TG: oh man your universe probably didnt have sbahj  
TG: all the memes lost to timelines  
TG: fuckin tragic  
TT: No, we still had it, actually.  
TT: Your self in my universe was a famous movie director.  
TT: Or rather, I should say he was a famous movivvy director.  
TG: oh my god  
TG: are you shitting me right now  
TT: No.  
TG: this is either the best thing ive ever heard  
TG: or the unequivocal worst  
TT: Yeah, that was pretty much the majority of society’s opinion.  
TG: how the hell did i manage to invent sbahj twice though  
TT: Must be one of those Ultimate Self riddles.  
TT: All Daves created the worst/best shitty jpeg artifacts.  
TG: lmao i fucking hope so thatd be hilarious  
TG: alright im gonna grab some things and head over to meet you  
TG: sound cool  
TT: Cool as the icecaps before they melted.  
TT: See you soon.

timaeusTestifying [TT] ceased pestering teakettleGorgonzola [TG]

“Nice hair,” is the first thing Dave(sprite) says to you in person. Much like the phone situation, nobody has bothered to ask if you wanted the captcha codes for hair gel. You haven't cared to ask, but you probably wouldn’t have anyway, as a matter of principle. Dave(sprite) hands you his phone with pesterchum open but logged out. You log yourself in quickly and ping him.

TT: I am no longer interested in looking like an anime villain.

Dave(sprite) half-smiles at that. Smirks, maybe. “Your hair looks like Rose’s.”

TT: Her hair looks like mine, you mean.

“Nah,” Dave(sprite) says. He looks identical to Dave′ in every way. Not a trace of orange on him. You take a moment to evaluate him. He’s shorter than you. Looks a lot like Roxy with his cloud of light hair over soft facial features and dark skin. Those are definitely your freckles, though.

That’s the weirdest thought ever, and you mentally change the subject. Dave(sprite) also looks a little nervous, you think.

“Guess nobody gave you a pair of shades, either,” he says.

TT: No, I have those. Tossed them under the bed and haven’t retrieved them yet. Looking at those things actually will give me body dissonance. Are we going or what?

Dave(sprite) shrugs and gestures you onward. Neither of you can fly anymore. Walking it is, at least until someone has to take pity on you if you have to go up at any point.

“I think we’re all just meeting Jade and she’s popping us to where the meteor landed,” Dave(sprite) says. “Or something like that. John wasn’t totally clear.”

TT: Cool.

This is kind of awkward. You like not having to try to guess his body language while talking better.

TT: So about SBAHJ.

“Hell yes,” Dave(sprite) says immediately.

You suppress a snicker.

TT: There were over two dozen movies in all, by the time my you was killed.  
TT: He was a political dissident against the Batterwitch and used his movies to both subvert her subliminal messaging and to protest her fascist megalomania.  
TT: All through the power of bad editing, famous actors, and plotlines so pointless, nonexistent, or baffling that critics eventually just gave up.

“Sounds like my kinda guy,” Dave(sprite) says.

TT: He was something.  
TT: Rose wrote these complex books about wizards that were also political protest.  
TT: The two of them were killed together by the Batterwitch, but not before taking down some of the worst despots she had installed.  
TT: He killed the presidents, and she killed Guy Fieri.  
TT: Who was the only Supreme Court Justice, and also one of the most truly evil men the world has ever known.

“Damn,” Dave(sprite) says, meditatively staring up at the sky for a moment as you continue down the path between the buildings towards the presumable meeting point. “What a pair of badasses. What about John and Jade?”

TT: Jade formed a tech company that countered CrockerCorp for many years. The Batterwitch personally killed her as well.  
TT: John became a stand-up comedian.

Dave(sprite) _laughs_. “That dumb asshole,” he says, almost fondly. “So Jake ended up on the island alone without Jade, and John must have had a kid, like Nanna did?”

TT: Yes, Jane’s dad. I don’t know who the other parent was.

“S’alright.” You think you can hear voices from up ahead. “I think knowing who John married would be a little too weird for me.”

TT: Fair enough.

You come around the corner and join the group. Several people look up for their conversations. You casually ignore Dirk’s searching stare in favor of mild surprise when Dave′ makes a beeline for the two of you, abandoning Karkat and Jade.

“Hey,” he says as he stops in front of the two of you. He shifts nervously for a second, and you’re honestly surprised by how he’s more expressive than Dave(sprite).

“Hey,” Dave(sprite) says, probably automatically. You nod to him in acknowledgement and stare down at the phone.

“Did you, uh,” Dave′ says.

“Yeah, I got your messages,” Dave(sprite) says. “Don’t really want to talk about any of those things, though.”

“That’s okay,” Dave′ says quickly. “We don’t have to talk about any of those things.”

You resist the urge to look up. They don’t need you interrupting, but you don’t want to leave. The only problem is that this is Dave(sprite)’s phone.

“Yeah,” Dave(sprite) says.

Then neither of them speak. The awkwardness is killing you.

“So how are we getting to this meteor of yours anyway,” Dave(sprite) says at last.

“Flying,” Dave′ says quickly. “I’m taking Karkat but someone can help you, you know, get there.”

Dave(sprite) looks like he’s resisting telling Dave′ that he wouldn’t want to be carried by him anyway.

“You’re… the auto-responder, right?” Dave′ asks you abruptly.

You look up from pretending to be fascinated by a mediocre piece of technology.

“He goes by Hal,” Dave(sprite) intervenes.

“Oh, sorry,” Dave′ says. “It’s nice to meet you.”

You look at Dave(sprite) and hope he’ll get the idea.

“Hal’s mute,” he says helpfully.

“Oh,” Dave′ repeats, looking surprised. “You are? But I thought you were…” He glances briefly sidelong to where Dirk is still staring a hole into your head.

You type out a response. Dave′’s pocket beeps and he pulls out a phone when you look at him.

TT: It’s different for me.

“Okay,” Dave′ says, looking uncomfortable. “I can fuck with that, it’s cool. No offense meant.”

You shrug and type again.

TT: It’s whatever.

“Incoming!” someone yells. You all turn instinctively towards the sound, resulting in you having a perfect view as a small blur tackles Dave(sprite) to the ground.

“Daaaaaave!” Nepeta sings. “Davvvve!”

Dave′ had jumped back out of the way and is now staring down at his doppelganger, who is squirming under Nepeta’s weight.

“Jesus fuckin’ — Nepeta, let me up—” Dave(sprite) had mostly caught himself by skidding onto his knees before falling forward, but Nepeta throws herself down on his back and refuses to let him sit back.

“How’s my favorite featherbeast!” she says, smiling wildly and disarmingly for a girl apparently strong enough to keep Dave(sprite) pinned. “My favorite beakbeast, cawbeast, murderbeast—”

“Fuck your alien language,” Dave(sprite) complains. He’s almost smiling. Maybe actually smiling. “That sounds so much more twisted now, like, screw whoever decided to name a murder of crows—”

“Nepeta, please, your behavior is terribly uncouth,” Equius says, and you look up at him. You know exactly what emotions stick behind him disapproving frown, the exact way he might try to lift Nepeta or respond to her next words if they were alone, exactly how he’ll only respond that way privately, his worries about her, all his care—

“No, I won’t,” Nepeta sings, and shoves Dave(sprite) the rest of the way down onto his stomach. Dave′ looks bewildered.

“Hello, Auto-Responder,” Equius adds, staring down at you. He can talk just fine, but fuck that. Jealousy is the worst of all emotions by your every calculation.

You itch to reply and all your thoughts run down the previously electronic brain channels. You have to settle for raising a hand, half-wave, half-salute. He knows everything you’re thinking too, probably. That isn’t a very pleasant idea.

“Or, I should correct myself,” Equius says. “I am uncertain as to which of your monikers you might have chosen, with a different set of functionality parameters.”

You change your mind. Thank fuck for Equius. You don’t have any way to communicate your answer to him.

“It’s Hal,” Dave′ says, apparently following along.

Equius looks at you appraisingly. “Have you chosen humanity over your prior existence?”

You shrug and mime a so-so gesture to him. He nods.

“Forgive my curiosity,” he adds. Ah, there’s his nerves. It’s bizarre to track him externally. “I have never experienced such a self-aware form of electronic processing, and I am curious—” He dabs at his forehead. “Unduly curious, I should say, to learn of how you decide to proceed — Fiddlesticks.”

You give him a thumbs-up. He subsides and Nepeta finally releases a still-complaining Dave(sprite), who sits up and flattens his face back into a line the moment he realizes that nearly everyone is watching the scene unfold.

“Nice to meet you again!” Nepeta says to you with a wide, charming smile. “Nice to meet everyone again, heehee!” She pops up to her feet and links arms with Equius.

“Okay, okay, now that everyone’s here, shut up!” a troll voice shouts. It’s the mean blue one who wasn’t evil. (As opposed to the nice blue one who was completely fucking evil.) Vriska, that’s her name. She’s got big wings and her hands on her hips. You really doubt her smile is out of plain happiness.

“We’re going to go to the meteor and kick-start this universe, as you should all know, unless you were too busy being dumb to read the messages from John,” she continues, still very loud despite having everyone’s attention. John starts a little when she says his name. “So if you don’t fly, buddy up with someone who can and follow me!”

Jasprose swoops out of fucking nowhere and scoops Nepeta up. Dave(sprite) nearly falls back over to avoid getting kicked. “Let’s go!” she cries, and speeds off with a startled but slightly giggly troll girl.

“Lalonde!” Vriska yells after her, clearly annoyed, but everyone’s pairing up and—

“You ready?” Dirk says, and your feet are no longer on the ground. You struggle and jab your fingers into his side and try to kick his feet until he adjusts and pulls you up, piggyback. The ground is alarmingly far away and you have to hold on.

“So, you want to talk about your new friend?” Dirk asks, casual as anything, and definitely not casual in the slightest.

Fuck this guy.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and now for something a little different, courtesy of our favorite protagonist john egbert ;)

You have two goals for this day: clone a thousand hilarious ectobabies with your friends, and talk to Davesprite. Assuming that, you know, he actually will talk to you if you ask. The thought of him saying he doesn’t want to bother trying to fix things between you makes you wilt for half a second before you rebolster yourself. He can’t not-talk to you if he can’t get away from you, after all.

“Hey, Davesprite!” you say, maybe a little too cheerfully. “Need a lift?”

He turns a blank stare at you. It makes Dave’s shifts between ease and nervousness even more apparent in contrast.

“Sure,” he says.

“Cool, grab hold,” you say. He gets an arm around your shoulder and you use the breeze to take some of his weight off of his arm as you rise into the air.

“So, how’re your legs treating you?” you ask.

“Better than before,” he says. Mutters, really.

“Yeah, that was kinda freaky,” you agree. The freakiest part had been watching him and the other ex-sprites come tumbling out of the sky and having to free-fall to try to catch them. But Davesprite’s panic at being unable to move him legs at first had been pretty freaky too.

He nods and doesn’t say anything else. It’s frustrating. Familiarly frustrating.

“It’s weird that Jade doesn’t remember us,” you say, more quietly.

After a moment, Davesprite says, “Yeah,” in a tighter tone than before.

“I guess it’s like a blank slate,” you continue thoughtfully. “Since she doesn’t remember any of the dumb shit we pulled…”

“You mean your tantrums or our failed travesty of a relationship?” Davesprite cuts in, sharp.

“Both,” you snap back. “Because I’m not trying to attack you right now, I’m really not!”

You both fall into a sullen silence.

“This is stupid,” you say at last. “I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Why?” His voice is back to bland. “You have real Dave now, dude, no need for guilt. You can run along and play in the sandbox of friendship forever. Build some castles, never disagree on anything, rejoice in the sandy symbolism of your perfect fucking friendship—”

“I don’t know him!” you say. When Davesprite doesn’t immediately answer, you press on. “I know it’s sounds hypocritical or whatever. But I don’t know him at all. We — you and me — have years of inside jokes that he… doesn’t know about. Dave has all of his troll friends and Rose, who I feel like I barely know, either, and even though you’re still a douchebag at least it’s familiar.”

“Familiar douchery,” Davesprite says.

“Exactly,” you agree, just to be a jerk about it. “And — and I’m sorry. For saying you weren’t a real Dave. For being mean about you and Jade breaking up and never asking you about…whatever it was that was bothering you so much. But you owe me an apology, too, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” he says. “I really do feel like shit for all the notes where I impersonated your dad. That wasn’t cool at all. My problems weren’t your fault. There wasn’t any reason to be taking it out on you.”

“Apology accepted,” you say. The memory of each note still swells a little bitterly inside you. Every time you’d found a note stylized like your dad’s, even knowing it was Davesprite being an asshole, your stomach had twisted over with pathetic hope.

“So like…” Davesprite begins casually. “When did you unlock the emotional maturity level?”

“Fuck off, it’s called growing up,” you say indignantly.

“I’m still eight months older than you,” Davesprite says.

“It’s not my fault that I’m cooler than you,” you say, and redirect your free hand from automatically trying to ruffle his feathers to messing up his hair.

“You suck so much,” he grouses. “I take it back, we can’t be friends again.”

“No take backs!” you say.

“You can’t call no take backs after I already took it back, like, come on, that’s not how it works, John.” Davesprite sighs dramatically, which is a little lost in the sound of the air whipping around both of you as you fly.

“No take backs or I’ll drop you.”

“Emotional blackmail is a very serious issue—” Davesprite begins.

“You’re so annoying,” you complain, grinning. “I didn’t even want to be friends, Davesprite, why are you twisting my arm like this?”

“You’re twisting your own arm, dude, I probably could’ve hitched a ride with any of these god tier assholes,” Davesprite fires back immediately. Hell yes. You definitely missed snarking with him.

“Whatever, we’re almost here,” you say, spying the meteor up ahead. “You want me to drop you off with your new friend or what?”

“Yeah, wherever Hal’s at is fine,” he says, twisting a little to try to crane around and see the others. “I should talk to him anyway, figure out why Dirk decided to corner him in midair like the world’s shittiest game of hide and seek, where the hiding is your darkest secrets and the seeking is being trapped a hundred feet in the air.”

“Pretty sure Dirk isn’t trying to be some sort of evil over lord, but if he starts cackling and talking about his wicked plans I’ll let you know.” And you dump Davesprite on the surface of the meteor as a few more people touch down around you, since Dirk hasn’t actually landed yet. “Wait, I need to take a picture.” You pull out your phone, still hovering, and try to get a good angle.

Davesprite backs up warily, looking around. “Why do you need a picture, exactly?”

“For the memories!” you say. “Come on, Davesprite, this is going to be important historical record—”

“Just Dave,” he says, awkwardly, and seems more like the other Dave than he has yet today.

“Okay, sorry,” you say. “We’re going to need a code or something though, it’s going to get confusing if we keep having doubles of people.” You take three photos, of the meteor, of everyone swooping in to land, and of Davesprite — Dave’s grumpy face.

The other Dirk, Hal, as you’ve just heard him called, sidles up to Dave, apparently texting furiously.

You ignore this apparent rudeness. At this point you should just start expecting it from Dave’s family. Roxy is the only possible exception to this rule, though she did lie about her identity when you first met. “Hi, Hal, right?” you ask. “I’m John, it’s nice to meet you!”

He looks up from the phone and looks you dead in the eye for about ten seconds before returning to the phone. If Dirk tends to stare so intensely you hope he’ll keep his shades on, because that was sort of uncomfortable.

“Hal’s mute, he’s not being rude,” Dave says quickly.

Hal half shakes his head and half shrugs, which you interpret as no, he actually was being rude, and muteness doesn’t cancel that out.

“That’s cool. Do you know sign language? I can do the letters but not any words or anything. We should chat about that sometime.” Kanaya and Rose are standing at the entrance to the meteor and are waving for your attention. “Anyway, nice meeting you! I have to go do things now. Davesprite — Dave, I mean, um, thanks.”

He favors you with one of his rarer smiles, which means it’s only half a smirk. “Sure. Hit me up if you ever want to revitalize our little heart-to-heart.”

“Yeah, whatever,” you say, and roll your eyes as you set off. Hal manages to wave goodbye to you, so you decide he’s probably not 100% asshole.

“Have a good talk, John?” Rose asks with her serenest, more innocuous expression. You’ve already gone ahead and assumed that you can never trust Rose’s innocent looks, so you think you’ll be fine.

“Yeah, it was fine,” you say, and grin at Kanaya when you notice she’s holding Rose’s hand. “Ready to make some babies, Rose?”

“Do us a favor,” she says, “and try not to absorb too much of Dave’s innuendos, please, if you’re going to be dealing with two of him.”

“I thought it was funny,” you grumble. The air down inside the meteor is stale and still cold, despite the warmth of the sun. It won’t take very long to walk far enough into it for you to stop feeling outdoor air currents. That’s fine. You can always stir it up if you need to.

“I thought it was funny as well,” Kanaya says, maybe only to be nice to you, and she gestures you both down into the depths of the meteor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: when meeting a mute person who is a total stranger to you, maybe don't immediately lead with "do you know sign language" because, let's face it, john isn't actually all that tactful of a person and it would be a heck of a lot better to go with something like "how do you prefer to communicate" or something yep cool note over
> 
> note 2: im retconning a couple of things, most notably, dave/sprite now has freckles, and a little clarification on what happened to the sprites


End file.
